Harder to Digest than The Pit

It was a Thursday;

My girlfriend Amanda had recently asked me to spend some time with her discussing life lessons, decisions and concerns. I awoke early to give myself enough time to prepare for the day as I was not going to return home before heading to work.

Schedule: shower, makeup, hair, dress, Northgate Mall to pick up Cry Baby and some skin care products, Amanda’s apartment, WP Inside store, Boston Pizza then work. During my makeup application I received a text message from Nighthawk (my BEST G/F), asking me to join her sometime for supper….to talk. Recently, we have had a falling out. I seem to care too much, she doesn’t seem appreciate it. We have come to a entire standstill. I am tired of talking to someone who doesn’t really want to listen…and she was done listening a long time ago. All I want is for her to know I love her and I care and I would always be there… Needless to say, I didn’t know how to respond to the text. I am afraid of hearing the same old thing and I'm tired of repeating myself and defending my character. I need to figure out if I have it in me to “forget” the accusations made about me. I want to feel important to you. I have to trust in time…go with the flow….

Shopping at WP Inside, Amanda and I discovered a collection of magnets designed by my cousin Kal Barteski. I found one in particular that I immediately purchased. It made my heart go quiet. It said;

“He handed me back the broken bucket
Repaired and repented
With duct tape bruises…
He looked at me until I felt shamed and warmed
at the same time. He half-smiled and said,
‘You can’t help everybody’
And maybe he was right.
I looked down at my leaky pail and my tight grip and my wet shoes. I had to try. I saw my reflection and deflection in the water.
And right there I realized,
Drowning in good intention – is still drowning.
Save you.

“Drowning in good intention – is still drowning” Yes, yes it is.

I love how straightforward this message is. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped – you cannot shed light on a situation if the other refuses to throw the switch…you cannot fight to keep a relationship going when the other is not willing to roll with the punches.

I am learning it is ok to let go. People come and go in our lives all the time. Each interaction has its purpose and when that purpose is fulfilled more often than not, a parting of ways occurs. This disunion needs to be accepted. Resistance will only lead to pain, discomfort and lamenting. It is difficult to determine when enough is enough but yes, there is a time when you must “save yourself” ... walk away.

I feel too much. When I love, I LOVE. When you are a part of my life, you have taken a piece of me forever. During these difficult changes I put faith in time. What was meant to be will be. True friendship can withstand anything and will always come back.

Nighthawk – You're still important. My silence is NOT forever.

Till the next lesson. Don’t be afraid to paint it PINK.
~